


Letting Go (or Trying To)

by ripewriter



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Drinking to Cope, Implied Sexual Content, Jefferson is sad, M/M, Madison is a mom friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7618747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ripewriter/pseuds/ripewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you even do it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go (or Trying To)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is also known as: i-should-prob-stop-sinning.docx (i'm not kidding).
> 
> this started out as a prompt from my friend, and i'd like to thank her for it! i'd also like to thank her for reading it.
> 
> so, this is my first fic for the fandom, and i do hope that you guys enjoy.

They started as foes, with them always going toe to toe. Then, something changed between them. The air somehow shifted. They were foes no more. They were something… _indescribable_.

  


It started with eye-catching glances, and then the lingering touches. In cabinet meetings their eyes would meet, and something unspoken would pass between them. Something foes shouldn't feel for each other.

 

Then it developed into something else. They traded kisses when they knew no one was looking. It just built up the tension between them. Making them want more. Making them _need_ more.

 

* * *

   


   


One night. It was just supposed to be _one night_. After they had done it they said it was a lapse in judgment. They said it would _never_ happen again. Never were they more wrong.

 

With every night they spent together, the feelings Thomas had for Alexander only grew stronger. These weren't the feeling of hate or annoyance. It was more in the lines of admiration and affection. Two things he never thought that he would feel for the man. He was frustrated with himself because of this. _Why must I always make things more complicated?_

 

* * *

   


   


He bites back a smile every time he sees the man, or even at the thought of him. He has to shake it off. He knows that this isn't something that was meant to last, but no. He wanted to believe that it will last. That somehow, _love will conquer all_. He knew that’ll most likely never happen. The man still had his wife after all, unlike Thomas.

 

* * *

   


   


About two months into their relationship, if you could it that, he found Hamilton in front of his doorstep, just like every other night. Except somehow, this time was different. He didn't throw his arms around Thomas and kiss him hungrily. He just stood there, looking at the ground.

 

“Alex?” He remembers asking. “What's wrong?”

 

“Thomas,” the other man began, slowly looking at him. “We… We…” Hamilton was not his usual eloquent self. He took a deep breath and looked up to the taller man. “Thomas, I think we have to end this.”

 

“What? Why?” Were the only things he could think of. “Why Alexander? Why would you want this to end?”

 

“It's about time I said no to this…” He admits. “This _thing_ shouldn't have even happened anyway. We're foes. Foes don't go screw around when no one’s looking. Hell, no man should even go around screwing another man.”

 

“Alex, please…” He begs, but it fell on deaf ears. “I-I love you.”

 

“Thomas, I love you too, and I'm really sorry,” he placed a hand on his cheek, caressing it. “But this is goodbye.”

 

“Why do you have to say goodbye?”

 

“I just can’t do this anymore.” Alexander looks up at him again, his eyes unreadable. “Goodbye.” He gave him a chaste kiss before going on his way.

 

* * *

   


   


That night, Thomas opened one of the bottles of wine he thought that he would get to share with the other man. He was wrong. _Well, it would be such a shame to let this wine go to waste_ , he thought. He drank the contents of the whole bottle before he went into a dreamless sleep.

 

For the next few weeks, that was his routine. He’d open up a bottle and drink its contents before dozing off. That is, until his dear friend, James Madison took notice of this.  


 

* * *

   


   


One night, as Thomas was halfway through his bottle, he heard a knock at his door. He was half hoping that it would be Alex coming to his senses, wanting Thomas back into his life. But alas, it was not meant to be and he found his friend, Madison, outside instead.

 

“Jemmy? What are you doing here?” He greeted the man, his speech slurred by the wine he drank.

 

“I came to see you, Thomas,” he replies, concern written all over his face. “I wanted to check on you. To see if you’re doing okay.”

 

“I'm fine, Madison. You've got nothing to worry about,” Thomas says, giving his friend a grin. However, he didn't get the response that he wanted. Madison just frowned at him. _Dammit_ , he thought, _he could read right through_. _Damn the fact that he knows me so well_. God- _fucking_ -damn it.

 

“Let's just get inside, alright?” He hears him say. He just nods and walks inside, the door closes right after Madison entered.

 

Thomas sat back down at the dining table again and buried his head in his hands. That's when he let his tears flow and let his shoulders shake as he did. The chair beside him moves, making a noise as it did. However, that didn't make him flinch, he just continued sobbing. Madison placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, which somehow had helped him stop crying.

 

“Thomas, what's wrong?”

 

“James,” he says shakily before taking a deep breath. “I-um… What do you know?”

 

“There _are_ rumors of two cabinet secretaries sleeping with each other,” James answered. “They're just rumors though. We both know that they aren't always true.”

 

Jefferson chuckled at what he said, then wiped his eyes with his sleeves and looked at his friend. “They aren't just rumors. They're the _truth_.”

 

“You mean…? You're one of the secretaries?” Madison made an incredulous look. “Whaaaaat?”

 

“Yes, my dear friend. One of them was yours truly.”

 

“So, who's the other one?”

 

He lets out a sigh. “Hamilton.”

 

“Well, it all makes sense now, and I can't say that I'm surprised.”

 

That statement caught him by surprise. He wasn't surprised? _What? Why? How?_ “Huh? Whaddya mean?”

 

“I mean, before these past few weeks, both of you have been… _different_.” There was pause, as if Madison knew that Thomas had a question in mind. “Different, meaning that you two didn't argue like you usually do. You threw softball insults at each other, and well, the looks you gave each other aren't hostile. You looked rather fond of each other.

 

“And then, it suddenly stopped. You couldn't even look at him anymore, and if you did, you gave him a cold look. What happened?” The man was genuinely curious at what happened between the two secretaries.

 

“I honestly don't know where to begin.”

   


* * *

   


 

Jefferson told his friend about how it began. The annoyance and general dislike he had towards Hamilton changed somehow. He started to admire the man. Admire how the man speaks so eloquently and how he manages to be the way he is… despite his stature.

 

He then told him about the long glances they had shared, the lingering touches he made, and the stolen kisses they shared. Most of all, how they ultimately slept with each other, and how his feelings for the immigrant grew stronger as the days passed. He didn't forget to mention that after all the months he had spent with the man, Hamilton had come to his doorstep and called it all off.

 

“So that explains why you're like this,” James says, gesturing to Thomas. “You've fallen for him.”

 

“I’ve fallen into the abyss for him and I don't know how to get back up,” he admits, staring at the palm of his hands. Then he looked back at his friend with pain in his eyes. “Help me, James.”

 

“I can't do anything but give you advice, my friend,” James began. “He already made his decision. Let it go. Let _him_ go.”

 

“That's the thing. I can't seem to let him go. I…”

 

“You love him.” Thomas just nodded, feeling ashamed of himself. “I can't say that you'll get over, but you'll learn how to live without him. I know so. You've done it before, you can do it again.” That made him tear up again, which in turn, prompted Madison to hug his friend. He whispered a “You can do this,” “I'll be with you every step of the way,” and “You'll make him regret leaving with you.” The last statement elicited a small chuckle from Jefferson.

 

They stayed that way before Thomas pulled away to wipe his tears away with his sleeves again. “Thanks, James. I owe you one.”

 

“Another thing is this,” the other man said, lifting the wine bottle up to show him. “This has got to stop. You can't drink your sorrows away, your liver will hate you for it.”

 

“Yes mother,” he replies jokingly. James just shook his head and laughed.

 

“Since I'm your ‘mother’ now,” They both make a face. “You better go to your room now and sleep.”

 

“But-“

 

“No buts.”

 

Thomas shakes his head and laughs. “My _god_.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> if there's anything you'd like to say, like suggestions or constructive criticism, feel free to comment below!


End file.
